In theory, having a reliable sex partner who’s always down for no-strings fun sounds like a sweet deal. No commitment? No expectations? “Sure, why not?”
I hate to be the bearer bad news, but fantasy rarely matches up with reality, especially when it comes to friends with benefits. A lot of people end up finding these arrangements to be more complicated—and a lot messier—than anticipated. But is there any way to avoid the drama? Is it possible to get the “benefits” without the baggage?
As someone who has studied friends with benefits relationships for the last six years, let me offer you some hope (and the research-based insights to back it up).
One of the biggest concerns people have about entering friends with benefits relationships is that one person will end up developing feelings that aren’t reciprocated. There’s good reason to worry about this. People often come into relationships wanting very different things. In 2011, I asked men and women who currently had a friend with benefits why they started their relationships and what they hoped would happen to it in the future. People’s responses were all over the map.
Although most people were in it for the sex (duh), a sizeable minority of mostly women said they started the relationship mainly because they wanted to connect with their partner emotionally. And 43 percent of women and 24 percent of the men even said they hoped their friend would eventually become their romantic partner. (You can check out the entire study in the Journal of Sex Research)
Obviously, people can bring wildly different expectations into these relationships, and more than that, these expectations seem divided by gender. When seeking a friend for benefits, then, clarify what you want from the get-go and make sure that your partner wants the same.
FROM THE BAR TO THE BEDROOM, MAKE GROUND RULES
Research finds that most people who have a friend with benefits don’t take the time to set up rules. One study of college students found that 73 percent reported not discussing any relationship ground rules with their friend with benefits. This lack of communication can be costly in the long run. In a longitudinal study I conducted on people in friends with benefits relationships, I found that the people who took the most time making rules and communicating were most likely to be on good terms with their partner a year later.
Think about these questions: Are you only going to have sex with each other? Or can you see other people? This isn’t something you want to assume, if only to protect yourself from the risk of STIs. Beyond this, you should also discuss whether you’re going to tell other people about your arrangement and what rules, if any, you need to lay down about how the two of you interact in public. Does kissing cross the line? Oh, and what about spending the night?
DON’T LOSE SIGHT OF THE SITUATION
Above all else, be realistic and be prepared for the unexpected. Even if you clearly establish what this relationship is early on, it’s possible your friend may not be totally honest about their true motives. Also, consider that neither you nor your friend may be able to predict how you’ll feel once you start having sex. Psychologists have found that, in general, we tend to be pretty bad at affective forecasting, or predicting our future emotional states. As some evidence of this, research has found that people overestimate how happy they’ll be when entering a new relationship. In other words, just because you think everything is going to go well doesn’t guarantee that it’ll actually happen.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Many people find it difficult to navigate a friend with benefits situation; however, the difficulty stems largely from poor communication patterns. If you want to make one of these relationships work, it’s important to talk early and often. Keep in mind, though, that even with a lot of communication, situations like this are often still unpredictable and don’t always end happily. (Only about a quarter of these relationships last a year, according to my research.) The unfortunate reality: sometimes even the best-laid plans don’t turn out to be the best way of getting laid.
TO GET LAID TONIGHT FOLLOW THE LINK.
Imagine not being able to sit in the same room as him without an overwhelming feeling, need and desire to be in the sheets with him. Even certain words he uses drive me crazy, looking at his hands give me shivers and when he places his hand on the bottom of my back I have no idea how I remain in control of myself. Sometimes he denies me kisses, ‘last one’ he will say, playfully, jesting with me, fully unaware of how much that makes me want him, unaware of the fact that it makes it that little bit harder for me to sit next to him and continue the conversation with him when I can feel how wet he’s making me.
We where sat in a red plastic booth, in an undesirable nightclub, playing the worst music and full of people throwing around their vodka and inhibitions. We started off amazingly clean, chatting, dancing, laughing. Then we started to kiss, hot, fast and hard, my mouth open on his and my tongue inside his mouth, being nibbled and explored. Mid kiss I feel a hand slide up my inner thigh, I moaned in his mouth and parted my legs a little feeling his kisses become more intense. I flicker my eyes up to his and see exactly what he needs, me. Snapping back to reality and coming back to terms with our surroundings we agreed that neither of us wanted just a dance anymore, a hotel was booked and we left the comfort of the plastic red booth. Giggly and with his hand firmly placed on my butt we started to walk with his hand right at the bottom of my dress, inches away from my soaked panties. We talked a little and got brilliantly lost. His hands couldn’t stay put anymore and he found his way up my dress and played with my wetness a little, I’m guessing proud at the fact that he’d managed to soak my panties just by kissing me. Still playing and still lost, at this point I’m sure he can tell how much I want him, he slides a finger inside me, it felt so amazing, I wasn’t going to stop him, I didn’t care if a passerby saw or if my butt and his hand was on show to the entire street, I was getting desperate and it felt good to rock my hips against. After a little longer of being totally lost we found the hotel, stood at the reception desk we chatted to the man for a while, all the time he’s still playing with me under my dress, making me so stupidly wet with every stroke, I knew he was teasing but I also knew that it would change as soon as our room door shut. We found our room and got inside, his eyes flashed at me and he pushed me on to the bed, lifted up my dress, pulled my panties to one side and pushed his amazing throbbing cock inside me, I tried to sit up to take my dress of but he pushed me back to the bed, holding my shoulder down, telling me to shut up and lay down. My hips found the rhythm of his thrusts and soon we where fucking, fast, deep and hard, he had a handful of my hair in his hand, pinning my head to the bed as he pounded me, my back curving and my pussy getting wetter and wetter with every little thrust. At this point my mind goes blank and all I can think about is his cock and how it’s filling every little inch of my little hole. He pushes my knee down and his cock somehow goes even deeper making me lift my hips and practically beg for more…tbc .
I just want to get away from these boring daily routines. I want to do something that will revitalise me. I know that I still got it so why hide it? I’m here being very bold and daring. Hook up with me and I will tell you about my secret fantasies.
Every week, there are plenty of stories of people doing stuff no one should ever think of trying. We’d thought we’d provide a few handy sexual yays and nays, based on some this week’s headlines.
Do: Take an interest in your partner’s anatomy.
Don’t: Take such a paranoid interest that you demand to check your partner’s vagina to see if she still has her hymen.
No dude should ever ask to see a woman’s hymen. Simple as that.
Do: Have fun with a camera once in awhile and film your sex life.
Don’t: Use a camera to illegally film the sex lives of your Airbnb guests.
It’s not cool to film strangers having sex. It’s really not cool to set up hidden cameras in your house to film your Airbnb guests having sex. That’s jail time, bro.
Do: Recognize that some people are bisexual.
Don’t: Recognize that some people are bisexual and then grow terrified at the idea of dating a bisexual.
Recently, 47% of survey respondents reported they’d be scared to date a bisexual. Look, bisexuals aren’t risky lovers. They aren’t more diseased or more likely to cheat on you. They’re just like they’re kettle corn: salty and sweet, the best of both worlds.
Do: Remember not everyone knows their own body.
Don’t: Make fun of them for not knowing their own body.
When asked to point one out, 44% of British women struggled to locate a vagina or cervix on an anatomy chart. Of course, it would be super easy to make a few jokes about how British women don’t know a vagina from a hole in the ground, but we won’t do that, because the point is, a lot of people don’t know about their body. Laughing at them won’t help. If you do laugh, they’re far less likely to have sex with you.
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