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My brother and I shared a room for a while to save on costs. I would often end up sleeping in his bed when I felt like it, even though he liked to sleep naked. I started wearing less and less clothes to bed and sleeping in his bed more and more, until one day I woke him up with a blowjob. Now we start every day with an incestuous fuck and he gives me a pussy full of cum.

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Have Yourself A Very Merry XXXmas

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Whether you’re going home for the Christmas holidays or have family and friends coming to stay with you, few of us manage to escape the holiday season without having, or being, an overnight guest in a family member’s home.

These are times when you’re supposed to be on your best (or at least better) behaviour. But staying under the same roof as your parents, siblings, or great aunt after so many years of freedom can be a strange and heady experience.

Add to this the pressures of the holiday season, and the lack of privacy in a family home can make the difference between a serene Christmas Eve dinner and an episode of a bad reality TV show.

Naturally that’s where sex comes in. Nothing can clear your head and make you forget petty differences like a midnight rendezvous with yourself or your partner. When sex is good it allows us to focus inward in a way that can rejuvenate us and give us more energy to deal with holiday stress.

But sex in such close proximity to family members can be tricky. The walls always seem thinner and there’s usually someone pottering around outside your door.

Understandably, many of us give up altogether. If you’re looking to add another tool to your holiday emergency preparedness kit, consider these tips on having sex discreetly over the holidays.

Choose Your Sex Play Wisely

Ten minutes before dinner is being served probably isn’t the best time to begin a Tantric sex session. Ditto on any rollicking tickle sessions involving sexual role play with feathers or blindfolds. Quickies may be the order of the day. Don’t worry so much about introducing new (possibly holiday themed) moves into your sex. Stick with the tried and true sex techniques you know will work, and work quickly.

Be Charitable – Don’t Expect Mind Blowing Sex

We are so goal-oriented when it comes to sex. The sexually enlightened want their orgasms, they want them now, and they want them their way. But ’tis the season for giving, and this may be a time to lower expectations, and focus on getting what you can, and not demanding the complete symphony when a single aria will do (but avoid any opera singing, it’s a dead giveaway).

Use Distraction Methods, Everyone Knows, But They’ll Appreciate the Effort

If you’ve got a radio in your room, turn it on. If you know that a moan is inevitable from your partner, do them a favour and mask it with a lot of loud unnecessary coughing. If you’re stuck in a small house, it’s likely that everyone knows what’s up, but there is probably a family member or two who will appreciate your attempts to be discrete.

Escape to the Bathroom

Probably the ideal place for a quick tryst, the bathroom affords a reasonable excuse for taking some time, plus concealing noises like running water, flushing toilets, etc… Out of courtesy to the rest of your family and other guests, only indulge in a visit to the powder room during low traffic times, unless you can guarantee that you’ll be quick.

Eroticise the Forbidden

Most of us do this anyway, but if you’ve got to act fast to ensure no one walks in (or to avoid the inevitable knocking on the door) use the forbidden fantasy element of what you’re doing to get your motors running.

And Most Important of All

DON’T, on any account, bring any sex toys if you are staying at a family member’s house. You might be able to pass off a discreet vibrator as a high-tech electric toothbrush, but hiding the anal love beads in a family-sized packet of m&m’s is a disaster waiting to happen!

What are your naughty plans for the season? Tell us in the comments. Happy Holidays everyone. 😉

14 Things Every Guy Should Know About Dick Pics

No text is more polarizing than a dick pic. Thanks to Anthony Weiner, Kanye West and Brett Favre, they’ve gotten a bad rap in recent years. Why are we more accepting of sexts featuring the female body in graphic detail? It’s an emerging subculture with a lot of as-yet unanswered questions, but I think we can all agree on a, uh, handful of best practices.

So in the spirit of embracing some positive male objectification, here’s a handy guide to what to do when you want a certain someone to get a load of you.

 

1. ONE PERSON’S TRASH IS ANOTHER’S TURN-ON.
Some welcome them with open hearts and open orifices. Some “just don’t get them.” Others will maintain that they’re offensive, repulsive, even a deal-breaker. Have a good think about your prospective dick-pic recipient before you proceed to step 2.

2. THEY’RE SUBJECTIVE.
They have a poor reputation due to lack of consent. Only send one if you received a text that says, “Send me a picture of your dick” or you’ve been boning for a while and have a sext-heavy rapport or you have for asked and received the enthusiastic go-ahead.

3. KNOW YOUR SUBJECT.
What are its strengths? Weaknesses? If you’re unsure, there’s always the Tumblr page Critique My Dick. (Oh, and don’t be lazy—take your pants off.)

4. YOU’RE YOUR OWN FLUFFER.
Get hard and don’t let it go limp, not even close. I’ve known guys to send pictures of themselves standing naked in front of a mirror with a blank expression and a mostly flaccid member. Those pictures are not hot. They’re sad and creepy.

5. GIVE YOURSELF A HAND.
Since you are taking the photo, or at least that’s the assumption, you only have one free hand at your disposal. Use it to gently grasp the base. Many girls find it to be more sensual, and girls love sensual shit.

6. ACT LIKE AN ART DIRECTOR.
Lighting! Cinematography! Snapchat filters! Now is the time to channel your inner artiste. Keep it simple. Steer clear of fluorescent bulbs or using a flash. Natural or warm, yellowy light is best for self-portraits of any kind, especially penis portraits. Also, remove any clutter from the background; it’s a mood-ruiner.

7. ANGLE IS EVERYTHING.
The old point-of-view shot is the standard, and there’s value in tradition. But it’s often more flattering to take a photo from the front, not above, so utilize the self-timer. Include just a little bit of man bod. If you take a shot of your dick peeking out from a pair of sweaty gym shorts, it will probably look like a turtle recoiling into its shell.

8. MIND YOUR PUBES.
Pubes are a matter of personal preference. You don’t want your pubic hair stealing the spotlight. If anything, it should enhance, not detract. If it makes your phallus look smaller than it actually is, trim it down.

9. BALLS ARE EVEN MORE DELICATE.
Much like the tenderness they possess, photographing the family jewels is a fragile endeavor. We know they’re there, but they don’t need to be seen. They just don’t photograph well. If your balls steal the spotlight, that’s an issue.

10. NO BABIES. EVER.
Thanks to Anthony Weiner, this is where we are. If we’ve learned anything from the disgraced politician, it’s to use discretion. Sleeping toddlers should never, ever be involved in your dick pic.

11. OR INANIMATE OBJECTS.
The concept of holding a ruler, soda can, remote control or tube of cherry Chapstick (yes, seriously) alongside your dick to show scale is lame. It almost guarantees a photo that won’t turn anyone on.

12. THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN, NOT WITH YOUR DICK.
Ask yourself, “What’s the goal here?” Are you trying to inspire an instantaneous orgasm? Gain a fuckbuddy? Get a photo in return? Just showing off? Compensating for mediocre social skills? For example, some guy named Ryan told The Cut: “When all the hints of my desperation have been sent verbally or in text, the logical next move is the dick pic.” No!

13. BE PREPARED FOR IT TO BE SHARED AND LAUGHED AT.
This is a valid possibility. There’s also the chance the recipient will put it in an art show. Be 100 percent pleased with what you’re sending out. Even Snapchat isn’t safe; everyone knows you can take a screenshot of anything. Recently, Ginuwine direct-messaged some girl on Instagram and then his “peen took over the Internet.”

14. SEND ONLY THE BEST.
You think your first dick pic will be your last? Real photographers take hundreds of shots to get the winner, and you would be wise to do the same. Delete the rejects. Why would you want unflattering shots of your precious genitalia floating around the cloud? Put a little effort into it. If all else fails, you can just hire a professionaltumblr_n0192nrbc51sq8730o2_400

WHY MEN GET MORNING WOOD AND WHY SOME WOMEN ARE MOANERS.

Why do men often wake up with an erection? The good news is it’s a sign the plumbing works. But did you know women also experience this phenomenon? Here, read all about why women and men wake-up with engorged genitals. If only morning sex somehow overcame morning breath.

Another mystery that may mystify you: Why do some women scream and moan in bed like they’re gunning for an Academy Award?

Is it real, or is she faking it? Turns out all those vocalizations aren’t about her partner’s technique as much as it is about her playing to her partner’s ego. Since most women experience orgasms during foreplay rather than from furious pumping, what you hear later on is all performance. As reported in a recent study, 66 percent of women get loud for the sake of their partner’s esteem. And 87 percent of women who responded say that they moaned and groaned to signal their partner that…it was time to be done.ccv1